Lesson Three
Can I Hear Your Heart, Not Just Your Words?
Sometimes the greatest gift I can give my spouse is not an answer. It is the experience of being truly heard.
Main Scripture — James 1:19
“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”
We talk every day.
“Did you pay that bill?”
“What time will you be home?”
“Can you pick up the children?”
“What do you want for dinner?”
“Did you call the doctor?”
“Don’t forget the appointment.”
Couples can exchange hundreds of words and still not truly hear one another.
Because hearing words and hearing a heart are not always the same thing.
Sometimes your spouse says:
“I’m tired.”
But underneath those words may be:
“I’m overwhelmed.”
Sometimes:
“It doesn’t matter.”
really means:
“It matters so much that I’m afraid to talk about it.”
Sometimes:
“You’re never home.”
means:
“I miss you.”
And sometimes:
“Leave me alone.”
means:
“I don’t know how to explain what I’m feeling without making this worse.”
So today we’re practicing something that sounds simple but may take a lifetime to learn:
Listening beneath the words.
TODAY’S NAME OF GOD
Jehovah Shalom — The LORD Is Peace
Judges 6:24
Gideon built an altar to the Lord and called it:
Jehovah Shalom — “The LORD Is Peace.”
Why bring this Name of God into a lesson about listening?
Because many couples enter difficult conversations already prepared for battle.
One spouse speaks.
The other prepares a defense.
One raises a concern.
The other hears an accusation.
One explains.
The other interrupts.
Before long, both people are trying to win something that neither really wants to lose:
each other.
Jehovah Shalom reminds us that God’s presence can bring a different spirit into the conversation.
Peace does not mean pretending there isn’t a problem.
Peace does not mean avoiding truth.
Peace does not mean one spouse remains silent so the other stays comfortable.
Biblical peace gives us enough steadiness to face truth without destroying each other.
So before an important conversation, whisper:
“Jehovah Shalom, bring Your peace into my heart before I bring my words into this conversation.”
Because sometimes the first conversation God needs to quiet is the one happening inside me.
THE LESSON
Listening Is More Than Remaining Quiet
We sometimes think we’re good listeners because we didn’t interrupt.
But while our spouse was talking, what was happening inside us?
Were we thinking:
“That’s not true.”
“Wait until I tell you what really happened.”
“You’re leaving out your part.”
“Here we go again.”
Our mouth may have been quiet.
But our defense attorney was very busy.
True listening requires something deeper.
It says:
“For the next few minutes, I will temporarily put down my need to explain myself so I can understand your experience.”
Understanding doesn’t automatically mean agreement.
You can say:
“I understand why that hurt you.”
without saying:
“Every conclusion you’ve drawn is correct.”
That distinction can rescue many conversations.
A PIECE OF MY JOURNEY
When I Wanted to Be Understood
During my 36 years of marriage, there have been times when I desperately wanted my husband to understand what was happening inside my heart.
Sometimes I thought:
“If I could just explain this better…”
So I would use more words.
Then perhaps more words.
But through the years, God has taught me something about myself:
Sometimes my desire to be understood became stronger than my willingness to understand.
That is difficult to admit.
I could be so focused on getting my heart across that I wasn’t always creating enough room to hear another heart.
There were also times when something meant much more to me than another person could possibly know because of where I came from.
Growing up without hearing “I love you,” without the hugs and warmth I longed for, certain forms of connection naturally carried deep meaning for me.
But my husband didn’t grow up inside my heart.
He couldn’t automatically know why something affected me so deeply.
And I couldn’t automatically know what was happening inside his.
That realization changed some of my questions.
Instead of only:
“Why don’t you understand me?”
I began learning to ask:
“What am I not understanding about you?”
And sometimes I needed Jehovah Shalom to quiet my own heart enough to listen.
I am still learning this.
After 36 years, I am still learning the man I married.
That gives me hope for younger couples.
You don’t have to understand everything about each other immediately.
And it gives me hope for couples who have been married many years.
There are still things worth discovering.
A WINDOW INTO SCRIPTURE
Jesus and the Two Disciples — “What Are You Discussing?”
Read Luke 24:13–35
Two disciples were walking toward Emmaus after Jesus’ crucifixion.
They were confused.
Disappointed.
Grieving.
Their hopes had been shaken.
Then Jesus Himself came alongside them.
He knew the truth.
He knew what had happened.
He knew what they misunderstood.
He could have immediately corrected everything.
But notice what Jesus did.
He walked with them.
And He asked:
“What are you discussing together as you walk along?”
Jesus knew.
Yet He allowed them to speak.
Later He taught them and corrected their understanding.
But first, He created room for their story.
What a beautiful picture for marriage.
Sometimes we are so anxious to provide the correct answer that we skip the person standing in front of us.
Presence before correction.
Listening before explanation.
Understanding before instruction.
BRING IT INTO OUR HOME
“I Had a Terrible Day”
Imagine a husband walks through the door and says:
“Today was awful.”
His wife immediately loves him by trying to solve it.
“Well, you should talk to your boss.”
“Maybe you need another job.”
“Why don’t you just tell them you can’t keep doing this?”
Everything she says may be reasonable.
But he becomes quiet.
Why?
Perhaps he didn’t need a strategy.
He needed someone to say:
“That sounds exhausting. Tell me what happened.”
Now reverse it.
A wife says:
“I am completely overwhelmed.”
Her husband begins solving:
“Just make a list.”
“Don’t worry about that today.”
“Why did you agree to do all of that?”
Perhaps what she needed was: